Long goodbyes

Here's one of the many scenes that I took out of Chapter 60 ("Futures Imperfect"), in order to cut down the wordcount, and to make the story just plain flow better.

“Thanks for coming to see us off,” Souji said, shrugging against the strap of his over-the-shoulder bag; the rest of their luggage was settled next to their families, waiting a little further down the platform, closer to the departure berth.

“I can't believe you're going to Tokyo,” Chie muttered, as she gave Yukiko another long hug.

The new bride chuckled as she pushed away. “Just for a few days,” she reminded Chie. “I can't be away from the ryokan for very long-”

“-And this is the start of the new term,” Souji finished with a smile. “I've got my classes to teach!”

“Well,” Chie said, dropping to her high heels again with a little bounce. “I want to hear all about it when you get back!”

“You realize they're going to spend most of their time in their hotel room,” Yousuke told her, and she replied with a quick and silencing jab in his ribs.

Souji shook his head and smiled at Yousuke, but Rise was more blasé:

“Tokyo's like Inaba, really,” the idol said. “Just bigger. And smoggier.”

“A lot bigger,” Souji muttered.

“A lot smoggier,” Yousuke said with a snicker.

There was chuckling around the group of friends, and then Naoto nodded to Souji.
“We shall make certain to check up on your apartment while you are away,” the detective said.

“Somebody's gotta be the responsible ones 'round here,” Kanji added with a teasing smirk.

Yukiko raised her hand. “Speaking of which,” she said. “If anything should...happen...while we're away-”

“-Don't call us,” Souji finished for her, and both Yousuke and Rise laughed, while the rest of them giggled softly.

Yukiko smiled. “But, seriously-” she began, and once again Souji cut her off:

“-Don't...call us,” he repeated with a grin.

“Understood,” Naoto said, chuckling gently.

Yukiko clicked her tongue while Souji continued to grin, but then he gazed around at them, softening to a friendly smile. “We should say goodbye to our folks,” he said. But he didn't move right away, instead measuring each of them in turn with a look of grateful kindness. “Thank you. For everything,” he told them.

Yukiko nodded. “If there's ever anything we can do, please don't hesitate to ask.”

“Actually,” Yousuke spoke up with another snicker. “There's this music shop in the Ginza-”

“Shut up,” Chie told him with a roll of her eyes, causing Souji and Yukiko to chuckle again.

Then Kuma hopped forward, tossing her arms around Souji's neck. “Be happy, Sensei,” she said, and then she did the same for Yukiko. “Yuki-chan, too, kuma.”

Souji nodded. “We'll see you when we get back,” he said, and then he took Yukiko by the hand, leading her over to the cluster of his family and hers.

I enjoyed the interactions between the friends, here, but - once again - it didn't really do anything to advance the plot. I thought that the recap given in the chapter as posted covers this well enough. And, I was having trouble transitioning from this scene at the train platform to the one that occurs in the apartment.

I'd also already done a goodbye scene at the train in the previous chapter (Chapter 59, "A Little Night Music") that more appropriately fit into the characterizations of Chie and Kuma and Yousuke (and the Terrible Trio).

I've found that the more I write Yukiko and Souji as a couple, the more I enjoy their interactions - and their relationships with the other characters. Yukiko has in many ways become quite like Souji, in the role she's taken with the other women in the story. Much like Souji is a guiding force for the team in general, Yukiko has become the same for the female contingent, though in a particularly womanly way. It's been an important friendship and relationship for Chie to have, and I'm glad that I've been able to showcase it to some degree.

"1 More Chance!" is winding down to a close very quickly (though perhaps not as quickly as some readers would like), but I'm looking forward to examining the (changed) relationships between the characters in more stories.

Over the phone

Here's a "scene" that I tried so hard to make work in the finished edit...but sometimes we have to just suck it up and admit that - as much as we may enjoy something we write - it simply does not fit with the story we're trying to tell.

It would have occurred in the first scene of Chapter 58 ("Dance of Fools"), right after Chie wakes up and finds her phone...

The faceplate blinked at her with an alert of a new text message, and no less than four new voice messages, which made her swallow thickly. Avoiding Yousuke was one thing; that was for his own good. But ignoring him was a different matter entirely, one that didn't sit well with her...and that she knew she wouldn't be able to do for long, if at all.

She missed him too much for that.

So she flipped open her phone and dialed for her voicemail, preparing herself for a tirade of furious and hateful epithets.

Yousuke was more than capable of verbally cutting her to the quick; she'd had enough arguments with him in her day to know that much. But as she listened to the start of the first message – time-stamped at seven forty-four, not long after she would have run out of the apartment – she found that she couldn't hear any of the venom in his voice that she had been expecting. Rather, he sounded flustered, and confused, and decidedly very scared:

“Chie, I'm sorry,” he said, his voice quiet and only half-enunciating, as though the words were being swallowed by his throat. “I know I'm an idiot. And whatever it is that I did, I'm sorry. Please, just...come back. Come back, and we can talk about this. Please.” He gave a low breath, injured by a sudden sniff. “Call me back, okay?”

She pressed her lips together, feeling a low, burning shame heat her cheeks. But her Persona's words echoed in her inner ear (Continuing, hard), and she knew that if he was going to be free, then she was going to have to be strong. So she deleted this message and went on to the next, which had come in an hour later, at nearly nine o'clock. He sounded much less lost, now, his tone clipped and more decisive:

“This is ridiculous...! I can't just sit around here waiting for you anymore.” She heard the scraping sound of something moving against the mouthpiece, as if he were shifting the phone from one ear to the other. And below that, the echoey sound of his steps on metal stairs. “Listen, I'm gonna get my bike. If you get this message, please, call me right back. And if you get home before I do, don't-don't leave! All right? Chie? ...Fuck.”

She could hear the brewing anger and frustration in his voice now, and it wasn't a message she wanted to listen to again, so she deleted that one, too.

The third message was marked as incoming another hour later – at ten twenty-one – and if she'd thought he was starting to brew in the last message, he was positively boiling in this one:

“Gah-! Dammit! How fucking hard is it for you to answer your fucking phone?! I've been riding around this stupid town for the last hour-and-a-half looking for your sorry ass!” He growled then, sharply, like a verbal swing at her guts. “I swear, you'd better be lying in a ditch somewhere-!”

Chie hit the DELETE button nearly before he'd finished speaking, at the same time biting down on her bottom lip. There was the anger she'd been expecting, in spades. Not that she didn't deserve it (she did), but hearing him actually say those words with such fury made her flinch. She considered just getting rid of the last of the messages, too, except she automatically pressed the NEXT button, and it started up before she could stop it.

This fourth one was time-stamped not two minutes after the previous, but where she was ready for another denunciation, she found his tone now to be markedly different – frightened, distressed, regretful – and it made her pause:

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry; I didn't mean that. Chie, I'm so sorry...!” He gave a muffled and sucking breath into the phone, and she could almost hear the anxious, terrified spit bubbling over his lips. “Look, if-if you don't want to talk to me, that's...that's fine. But at least let me know where you are? Please? I just want to know that you're okay. I don't want this to be....” Another break, and another breath, while he seemed to swallow that left-unspoken thought. “I just want you to be okay,” he muttered again, and she had to close her eyes as she actually heard his voice crack. “Please be okay. Just...please...let me know you're okay.” He paused then, the rambling utterances of frustration and sadness coming to a stop with a long and audible breath in her ear, something like a sigh. And as his voice trailed off and was replaced by a deafening and deadening electronic click, she cupped her hand over her mouth, as her tears started afresh.

Damn it, why was he doing this? Why didn't he just let her go? Why did he have to make this so much harder for both of them by fighting against her like this, when he'd already seen, already felt, what she'd done?

Why couldn't he see that he was better off without her?

She wiped at her eyes with the back of her free hand, just as her phone buzzed again in the other. She looked down at it, blinking through her tears as she focused on the display. She had thought that these new text messages would be from Yousuke, too...but they weren't. They were from Yukiko.

I really liked the progression of emotion for Yousuke's character, here, which I considered realistic, given the situation. And I liked Chie's reactions a lot, too. I spent a big chunk of effort and time trying to make those messages come out just right for the scene....

The problem was that it presented a very different Yousuke than the one who appears in the later scene, and I needed for him to be take-charge and determined and desperate in that moment when he comes to her door. He needed to confront her as an equal (almost as a dominant), refusing to accept any of her excuses; the Yousuke that leaves the messages on her phone didn't convey that properly, in the end.

This was an example of a moment that took me a long time to write to the point where I was happy with it...only to edit it out because it didn't match what was going on in the rest of the chapter. Unfortunately, that happens a lot with stories that are as long as "1 More Chance!" has turned out to be. I've had this baby plotted to the end nearly since the beginning, and I know where I'm going, but sometimes it's the little moments that make us stumble.

For those of you still waiting for Chapter 60 at this time, maybe this will help give a little bit of insight into why it's taking so long. (There were about a half-dozen moments like the one above that I wrote, rewrote, and then ended up editing out from the final version. Those might still pop up elsewhere, though, so I think I'll leave them out of the dump for now.)

Animosity

Boy, here's a scene from Chapter 56, "Where Shadows Dwell," that I'm really glad now I took out....

A minute passed like this, and then Kanji raised his head and looked at the three of them, the faint light from the now-clear, starry sky outside the window reflecting off of his glasses. “So what do we do now?” he asked softly.

Chie pressed her lips together, as she rose from the clustered embrace of Yousuke and Kuma. “We get Yukiko-chan out of there and bring her home. No matter what.”

“Yeah, but what about Seta?” Kanji said, a light sigh escaping him. “How do we fight him without our Personas?”

Chie snorted angrily through her nostrils, recalling all-too easily the way that Souji's golden eyes had targeted her specifically, and the way that he'd raised that terrible spear at her, and at Yousuke. “I don't know,” she muttered, as she turned, briefly, to glare at the television screen. “But Yukiko-chan's the only one that matters,” she said, and when she looked back at them again, Kanji, Kuma and Yousuke were all staring at her.

“Chie-chan...?” Kuma murmured, her delicate chin puckering beneath a frown.

Yousuke shook his head. “You don't mean that,” he said gently, as if to placate her.

“The hell I don't!” Chie flared in response, rising to her feet.

“Okay, you're upset,” he replied. “I get that. But blaming Seta isn't-”

“You heard those things he said!” she spat back, standing over him. “You saw what he did!”

Yousuke jumped up now, matching her stance and volume. “His Shadow did those things!” he said emphatically.

“Same thing!”

“No, it's not, and you know it! Everybody's got a Shadow, Chie; you think yours was any better?”

“I can't believe you're taking his side in this!” she cried. “After everything he's done-!”

“I'm not taking his side-”

“He has Yukiko!” she shouted, pointing behind her toward the black screen of the television. “He tried to kill us and she is still over there,” she told them, baring her teeth. “And you didn't even stop her!” She ducked her head and thrust the flats of her palms against his chest, shoving him back a step. “Why didn't you stop her?!” she cried.

Yousuke dropped his shoulders, swallowing hard against the onslaught of her anger but otherwise not moving. Behind the rectangular frames of his glasses, his dark eyes narrowed, then blinked, then softened at her. “Because I would have done the same thing,” he muttered. “If it were you.”

Chie looked up at him, the intent and meaning of his words burning in her brain and in her heart, and silencing her more effectively than any shout or reprimand. She shook her head. “Don't say that,” she murmured. “Please don't say that.”

I actually kind of like the anger that Chie displays in this scene, and the hurt that she feels toward being betrayed by Souji. And her concern for Yukiko definitely comes clear. But the flow of the scene just didn't feel right, in the end, and the brief moment of gentleness between her and Yousuke feels like it comes out of left field. It does diffuse the heat of the conversation (and the sentiment that Yousuke expresses is important, both for the moment and for the revelations in the following chapter), but it creates a lot of animosity toward Souji that I decided would go against the plot, after all was said and done.

As it was, even without this scene, most readers had a real problem with the conflict I created with Souji. (My answer to that feedback was that I'd been building this facet of Souji's character since his reappearance in Chapter 39, "Let Go, Hold On"...although it was likely too subtle at that point for most readers. If you don't believe me, go back and read the conversation between Souji and Chie, in the old shopping district, and you'll see what I mean.)

In the end, I wanted Chie to care just as much about Souji as she does about Yukiko. (Well, maybe not just as much, seeing as it is Yukiko, but close.) I had already created Souji to be something of an outsider while he deals with his issues, but I wanted the team to come together for his sake, because they all share a common bond from their past, and from their Shadows.

Still, it was a fun scene to write, and it will never show up anywhere else.

Different directions

In going through my "unused" document of scraps or scenes that I decided to take out for one reason or another, I came across this one, that would have taken place after the initial (sex) scene in Chapter 52, "Thrall." In it, there's a very brief exchange about both protagonists' limited culinary skills, and it would have led to (basically) the same conversation that occurs between Yukiko and Chie over onigiri, only in Junes. I removed it because it took the story out of the apartment, where the chapter kind of needs to stay for the power struggle at the end.

This excerpt also starts to present a more telling explanation of the relationship between Chie, Kuma, and Yousuke as a not-quite-threesome, though I decided that that description would be better served later in the story. It turns out that I needed an additional character (Kanji) to make that conversation really work, and he definitely would have felt out-of-place in this chapter.

“Chie-chan...?” Kuma's voice murmured softly from beyond the door. “Yousuke?”

Chie hummed, feeling Yousuke tighten his embrace around her shoulders. She rubbed her cheek against his chest, wishing for just another few uninterrupted minutes.

“What is it?” Yousuke called hoarsely.

Kuma knocked again, more inquisitive than insistent. “Hungry, kuma,” she muttered. “There's no food.”

He craned his head around toward the door with a sigh. “Oh, that's right,” he said, then looked back toward Chie again with a grimace. “We sort of scavenged the last of the food for dinner last night.”

She snickered, snuggling up to him for another brief moment. “I was wondering why the okonomiyaki had natto in it.”

“Beggars can't be choosers,” he replied with a smirk in his voice. Then he kissed the crown of her head and shifted away from her, the loss of his heat saddening her a bit.
“You want to run to the store with me?” he asked, kicking himself free from the comfy confines of the bed. “We can just get some staples and come home....”

She watched him rise, admiring the lines of his body with a smile. “...And you can get naked again...?”

He grinned at her over his shoulder as he stood. “Only if you do,” he replied, and then stepped toward the wardrobe for some clothes.

They ended up walking to Junes in the drizzling rain, mostly because Kuma insisted on joining them, and Chie had long ago given up arguing outrightly with the girl when she had her naïve mind set on something. Yousuke was a bit more stubborn about not letting Kuma have her way – arguing that they would be able to eat faster if he and Chie alone took his bike, that Kuma would need to get dressed to come with them, that they'd have to walk in the rain if the girl accompanied them – but even he gave up after several minutes, when Kuma simply sparkled and smiled at him, turning on her very best cute-girl charms for him. (Even while she had watched them in amusement, Chie doubted that the sparkling had much to do with Kuma being able to coerce Yousuke; he was simply a soft touch when it came to the girl, despite what he said.)

I do enjoy the description of how Kuma relates to Yousuke in particular, and Chie's estimation of them both. But it turned the scene too sweet, when the undercurrent of "Thrall" is supposed to be one of burbling portent of menace. The minor conflict of domination/submission in this chapter is, after all, a much more overt thrust toward the conflict of character that occurs in Chapter 57, "Nightmare."

Where's Yukiko?

Here's an example of an off-the-cuff paragraph. I wrote this one for the "1000 Words" series of vignettes; it would have gone into "For Just a Second", which is the vignette that takes place in Rise's Opera House/Marukyu Striptease dungeon.

The last chest had a short tunic in it, and while Kanji said that it looked sturdy enough for any of them to use, only Chie's sort-of-girly frame was small enough to wear it. It might have fit Yukiko, as well (though probably not, judging from the way she'd filled out her bikini at the mountain service trip), but Yukiko was working at the inn today and hadn't been able to join them on Souji's let's-all-get-some-practice run. That left Chie the only candidate.

I took it out because I didn't like the way that it delayed getting to the crux of the matter - that Yousuke really wants to see Chie naked - and it didn't flow with the overall "for just a second" phrase that acts as a theme for the piece. (That being that Yousuke really is just living moment to moment, and those moments are filled with desire, envy, shame, and affection.)

It does, though, explain the issue of Yukiko's absence, which more than one person noticed. For the purpose of the vignette in question, I stuck with the idea that it's a 4-person team that goes first into any dungeon; readers will notice that Kuma is not in the vignette, either (because - in the finalized version - he's back at the entrance, with Yukiko).

I did like Yousuke's estimation here of Chie ("sort-of-girly," like she's not quite feminine enough...though it didn't match his thoughts of her later in the piece), and of Yukiko (I think he probably would have checked out who had the bigger bust at that camping trip).

Regardless, the paragraph was dropped, and I think the final product is better for it. But I didn't forget about Yukiko, guys. I just chose not to include her.

Kuma makes a guess

Here's a scene that I enjoyed, but did not make the story cut because it presented the idea of the last Shadow too quickly, and it did not allow for the horrifying revelation that occurs at the end of Chapter 55, "Broken Bonds."

Still, I like the reference to the end of Chapter 51, "Hana to Yari," as well as the minor explanation of what makes Yousuke - and Chie, to a lesser extent - feel uncomfortable at the end of that last scene. But the progression of events that would have followed this scene (Yousuke, Chie, and Kuma going into the TV and finding Souji) created too many instances of TV-jumping, which I thought would slow down the pace of the story unnecessarily, especially at this stage of the plot. So, I dropped it...but that doesn't mean I didn't like it.

The blonde girl's nostrils flared, briefly, as she sucked a long breath staring into Yousuke's eyes. Then she furrowed her brow and pouted her lips, still peevish but no longer so frustrated. “I saw something on my TV, kuma,” she said, and then she darted her eyes toward the large television, almost accusingly. “I wanted to see it out here, because this screen is bigger, kuma.” She paused, her little pink lips – puckered together tightly – moving back and forth over her teeth, as if she were hedging. Then she leaned in toward Yousuke, with something like desperation. “But it went away, kuma! It went away before I could see what it was! Before I could see, kuma!” she cried, and then she fell into his arms, clutching at him with such sudden force that he staggered.

“Ku-Kumada...!” he muttered. He sent Chie a worried look, and then he gave a low sigh, his shoulders falling as he put his arms around Kuma.

Chie reached out with one hand, rubbing the girl gently on her back, beneath her fall of flaxen hair. “It's all right,” she murmured, stepping closer so that she could stroke at the crown of Kuma's head.

But the girl raised her head at Chie's touch, turning halfway around in Yousuke's loose embrace to shake her head with insistent vehemence. “No, kuma!” she said. “Something's wrong! Something's wrong with the TV, kuma!”

“There's nothing wrong with the TV,” Chie assured her. She reached down for the remote again, and again clicked the television on and scrolled rapidly through the channels. “See?”

Kuma shook her head, shutting her eyes now, too, as a low, groaning whine unraveled from her throat. Then she looked up, beating her fists against Yousuke's chest. “Yousuke-e-e-e...!” she said, as if pleading.

He stared for a long moment into the girl's imploring gaze, and then turned to Chie. “She doesn't mean the TV,” he muttered gravely. “She means the other world.”

Chie took a step back from him, feeling a bubble of bile climb to the top of her throat. But she shook her head and swallowed it back. “No,” she croaked. “No, that can't-”

“She saw something on the TV,” he said, his words slow and measured. “Something she couldn't make out. And then it was gone. Just like-”

“Don't.” Chie told him flatly. “Don't say it.”

“Chie-”

“Yousuke, that's crazy!” she said, shaking her head again. “The Midnight Channel doesn't exist, anymore! We stopped it. Izanami was controlling it, and we defeated her! Just because Kumada-chan thinks she saw something-”

“I saw it, too.”

Chie blinked, feeling that bubble come to the top of her throat again, only this time it didn't go back down. She pressed her fist to her mouth, giving a sick little half-burp that tasted like regurgitated sour meat and made her grimace. “...When?” she said from behind her fist.

“The night of the Culture Festival,” he answered, too readily, which made her drop her fist to her side.

“Why didn't you tell me before now?” she demanded.

He opened his mouth, but no words came. He glanced at Kuma, who was looking up at him, too, as if for help. Finally, he turned back to Chie again, shaking his head. “I-I don't know,” he muttered.

“You don't know-?!”

“I wasn't sure I'd seen anything at all!” he said, taking one arm from around Kuma to gesture toward the television. “I mean, it was...late, and we were...drunk, and I...I didn't....” He looked away, shamefaced. “I didn't want to think I'd seen anything,” he said in a quiet voice.

And she remembered that night, remembered sitting with him on the floor, flushed and fervid in their intoxicated ardor. She remembered that she had been the one staring into the television that night, when it had flickered to life seemingly on its own, a haze of static that should have been a commercial, or a weather report, or a news story at that hour: not static, not blankness. And she remembered, too, that she had forced the evidence from her mind – half-drunk on shochu liquor and lust for him – because she hadn't wanted to face the truth, however impossible, that the past was not so far away as she had thought.

“We stopped it,” Chie said again, hearing her voice tremble. She ran her hands up along her arms, wishing that Yousuke had his arms around her, too, but forcing herself not to run to him.

“There's one way to find out,” he muttered, his gaze falling away again. Then he looked up again, but not at her.

She looked at the television, too, its blank, black surface projecting an eerie and unsettling calm...because beneath that surface she knew what horrors laid in wait, beyond the black.

After the return

Here's a section of text that originally would have occurred after Souji's dinner with Chie, Yousuke, and Kuma, where the first inklings of the grey-haired leader's rekindled interest in Yukiko starts to niggle at Chie's brain.

There's no place where this text could go now in the story, with it so much further along, but I did like the slight anthropomorphism of the television in this little moment.

Chie had slipped on one of Yousuke's shirts for the walk to the toilet, a dangerous excursion given her unfamiliarity with the place and the relative lack of light. Halfway back to the bedroom, she stopped in the main room, her gaze drawn to the large and silent television against the wall. She stepped over to it, staring into its blank, black surface.

Kuma had been only half-right. Everything had started with them – herself, Yousuke, Souji, and Kuma – but not them alone. The TV had played its own role, too, as had Izanami and her bastard puppet Adachi Tohru, as well as poor Yamano Mayumi and Konishi Saki...and Yukiko.

Chie hadn't missed the way that Souji's whole demeanor seemed to change whenever Yukiko's name was mentioned at dinner tonight. Was he still in love with her? Was she the reason that he had come back?

More important, was Yukiko still in love with him?

And what was Yousuke up to, suggesting that Souji go to see Yukiko? He knew as well as anyone the pain and grief that Yukiko had suffered when Souji had left that first time. Why would he want to put her through that, all over again? Souji was back, yes...but how soon before he would up and leave again, scattering broken hearts in his wake?

There's a lot of burbling animosity that Chie holds for Souji throughout the story - because of her feelings for Yousuke and Yukiko - but he (Souji, that is) is not meant at all to be any kind of villain (yet). I simply wanted to accurately portray Chie's feelings of abandonment, and the anger that someone like her would feel at being left behind by someone for whom she had once cared so deeply as a girl.

Emperor v Fortune (Part 2)

Here's the second part of the Kanji/Naoto conflict from Chapter 35, "Moments Made Memories." Actually, it's not so much a conflict, as a difference of opinion. The main gist of the conversation remains the same, but some of the details have changed....

The Friday lunch crowd at Aiya was insane, the line going all the way out the door and halfway to Shiroku, so when Chie arrived at Tatsumi Textiles, Kanji suggested they walk over to Souzai, instead.

“Rise-chan and Naoto-chan might join us later,” Kanji told her as he put the finished dogi into a box, wrapping the shop's signature-design crepe paper around it. He closed the top of the garment box and wrapped it with twine, a step Chie found a little unnecessary given that Yousuke was just going to open it again on Sunday morning, if not before...but Kanji seemed to be moving on automatic as he worked, and she didn't want to disturb his rhythm.

She accepted the box from him with a smile. “Did you want to wait for them? There's a faculty meeting this afternoon, so I've got a long lunch today.”

“Nah,” Kanji said, shaking his head. He walked out from behind the workbench. “I kinda wanted to talk to you anyway. Y'know, in private.”

Chie raised her eyebrows. “Uh, okay....”

As the two primary bruisers in the group, she and Kanji had always had in common their penchant for fighting first and talking second, but other than that they had never been very close. He had been her kouhai and always seemed to be more interested in hanging out with his fellow underclassmen Naoto and Rise (she knew the reasons why, now). Even though he seemed to like Yukiko's company, she often got the feeling that she and Yukiko together were a little too intimidating for him, especially given the incident during their second-year service trip to the mountains, as well as the school trip to Port Island; and Yousuke had always given him shit about this or that rumor or misconception, so it was no surprise that for most of the time they'd known each other, Kanji tended to quietly avoid her and her friends when they weren't in a large group.

But over the last several weeks – and especially since the Mayonaka debacle – the old Midnight Channel Investigation Team had grown close again, in some ways even closer than they had been in high school. Friendships that had been only cursory at best – like between Yousuke and Kanji – had become more genuine. But Chie still didn't have much of a connection to Kanji, outside of the training sessions, so she didn't know how to react to his sudden request to talk.

He started for the door with a jerk of his head. “C'mon. Let's get some korokke before they run out.”

Chie followed him, haltingly, still puzzled by his behavior. They ordered lunch and then sat down at one of the outdoor tables, the one closest to the textiles shop, in case Kanji needed to run back in. She set the box down beside her chair and folded her hands on the table, unsure of what to do next. Finally, she simply came out and asked him: “So, what did you want to talk about?”

Kanji leaned out over his knees (his preferred posture when he wasn't working) and stared at the tabletop for a long moment. Then he took a sharp breath and looked up at her. “We understand each other,” he said.

“Uh, we do?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I mean, we're fighters. We're not good with strategy or tactics, but we know how to fight, for sure.”

Chie chuckled; from anyone besides Kanji, his words might have sounded insulting. But taken at face value, she felt a sense of comraderie with him.

He blew another breath and shook his head. “Naoto-chan, she thinks you can plan and deduct your way outta anything. I mean, she's real smart, and I've seen her when she gets into planning mode – she's great with that sorta stuff – but sometimes she just...she thinks too much, y'know?” He glanced down at the tabletop again and gave an almost-sigh.

She smiled at him, recalling their high school days, when Naoto would be sitting at one of the desks in the library, or at their favored table in the Junes food court, scribbling notes and schemes and plans into a well-worn notebook laid out in front of her. Very little of the detective's meticulous observations and convoluted hypotheses had ever made sense to Chie (or anyone else, really), so Naoto had usually kept her notes to herself...but she always seemed to be thinking, planning, strategizing. Chie used to think it was just a sign of a superior intellect at work, yet Kanji's words now seemed to be disputing that, to some degree.

“I love her,” Kanji said softly, pausing just enough to let the words hang in the air, then continued on. “But there's some stuff that she just doesn't understand. Fighting ain't about strategy or tactics. Not when it comes down to seconds.” He looked up at her again. “I mean, a fight can go one way or the other like that,” and he leaned over the table toward her, snapping his fingers quickly. Then he sat back again, with a low smile. “But if you got heart, the heart for your fight...Hell, you can do anything. You and me, we know that.”

She smiled back, understanding a little bit more just where he was coming from.

He tapped the top of the table. “Hanamura needs to know that, too.” He shook his head again, his gaze darting from table to restaurant door to sky and finally back to her. “The guy talks a big game, but I can tell he's scared. You can't look a guy in the eyes in a fight and not know that. You know what I'm talkin' about, right?”

Now Chie nodded, her smile fading. Of course, she'd seen that fear in Yousuke's eyes. Even if he hadn't come straight out and told her about it, she would have known it. Not only because of what Kanji had said (he was right – she'd seen enough fear in opponents' eyes not to recognize it), but because lately Yousuke's embraces had become a little bit tighter, his glances a little bit longer, his kisses a little bit sweeter, as if he feared their every moment together could be their last. In some ways, it was a charming way to feel his affection...but she knew the real reason was because he worried.

“Yeah,” she murmured softly. “I do.”

Kanji offered her a little lopsided smile. “You're his heart for this thing. You know that, right?”

Chie chuckled and blushed, glancing away in embarrassment at this straightforward observation.

Yeah, so, I liked this piece as well - but I liked better the way that Chie and Yousuke are the main thrust of the chapter, controlling the action in the story rather than being controlled by it. Hopefully, you can see the differences...and appreciate the changes that were made.

Emperor v Fortune (Part 1)

Here's another long piece, the original conflict present in Chapter 35 ("Moments Made Memories"), between Kanji and Naoto. I liked the way that Kanji is pretty much the only person to stand up to Naoto in this piece, but I thought that it was too much, considering that the duel was so close anyway. And I didn't like that Chie breaks down near the end of this section; she's supposed to be the firm reason for Yousuke to fight.

There are a few nice descriptions that I still like here, though, notably the recap of the game/early story chapters.

Chie dropped into another deep leg stretch, for the third time so far this morning. She looked up at Yousuke, standing a few meters away, and gave an impatient groan.

Dressed in the white keikogi that Kanji had made, Yousuke could only shrug his shoulders. “This isn't my fault,” he muttered.

Chie had to remind herself (again, for the third time) that he was right. This was the first day that Kanji had asked Yousuke to wear the uniform during an actual sparring session – to make sure that all of the little folds, seams, and tucks of the jacket and pants moved well in a real fight situation – and he had stopped the fighting whenever he noticed this or that imperfection. At the moment, he was re-examining a troublesome shoulder-seam that had almost split after Chie had tried to grapple Yousuke.

Even Naoto was getting impatient, evidenced by the exasperated sigh she let go. “Kanji-chan,” she snapped. “These constant interruptions are not conducive to their sparring.”

Kanji turned halfway around from his place at Yousuke's side. “Hey, presentation's very important.” He turned back to the other man, gave him a once-over glance, and clapped him on the shoulder. “How does that feel?”

Yousuke lifted and dropped his arms. “Good,” he replied simply.

“Not too tight?” Kanji asked.

“Nope.”

“A'right, good.” Kanji sniffed, nodded, and stepped back again. He gave Naoto an almost-condescending sneer. “You can continue....”

Naoto glared at him, but then she inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, in what looked to be a calming exercise. When she opened her eyes again, she lifted her arm between Yousuke and Chie. “Hajime.”

Both fighters dropped into starting stance, taking a brief moment to observe and wait. While Yousuke had a tendency to strike first, Chie had sometimes been surprised by his patience in waiting to see what she would do. She usually couldn't wait more than a few seconds (in that way her fighting style was quite similar to Kanji's), but today – with only two days left until the big fight with her father – she wanted to take a different tactic. So she sucked on her lip and waited, counting nearly to twenty before he gave up the patience game and struck.

Yousuke lunged, a short strike from his left hand first, followed by a longer one with his right. Chie stepped back, catching his second strike and using his momentum to push him past her, so that they switched positions on the field. She swung her leg in a high kick, catching him in the back of the shoulder, driving him to the ground. He caught himself with his hands and immediately retaliated with a kick of his own, his foot catching her in her torso, forcing the wind out of her.

“Good counter,” her grandfather commented softly from the sidelines.

Chie caught her balance by retreating a few steps, cursing Yousuke's longer reach for a brief second. But he was already up again, using the swing of his kick to bring him back to a half-standing position. He charged her, striking with a flurry of knee kicks to her side. She forced her hands down to block, and when he dropped his leg for the third time she took the momentary opening to punch him with a backhanded fist, causing him to stagger. He responded with a somewhat messy side kick, just to make her keep her distance, but she was a better fighter than to fall for that kind of amateur move.

She closed on him quickly, punching out with and twisting one fist into his shoulder in a grappling move. He grabbed her outstretched arm, and she felt him shift his weight to throw her. He might have even managed that, except that Kanji suddenly started yelling:

“Stop! Yame, yame!”

Naoto scolded him from the other side of the impromptu sparring ring: “Kanji-chan! I am supposed to say that!”

Yousuke immediately released Chie and tilted his head toward her side. “You okay?” he asked, standing straight while Kanji came up to fiddle with the keikogi again; apparently, he'd gotten used to these tailoring interruptions.

Chie looked up at him with a smile. “Yeah,” she murmured. She reached up and touched his cheek, where her knuckles had connected with the bone. “What about you?”

Yousuke snickered and shrugged off her concern. “Come on. You've given me worse hits than that one.” He glanced down at Kanji, in response to a quick tug at his side. “I can take it off, if that's easier....”

“Nah,” Kanji muttered. “This'll just take a minute.”

Naoto stepped briskly toward them, her arms crossed in front of her chest. “We are wasting valuable time,” she huffed. “If you are not willing to take this seriously-”

“Hey,” Kanji replied, turning toward her again. “I'm takin' this very seriously. Just 'cause I ain't a super-smart strategist like you, don't mean my contributions don't matter. So just...chill, okay?” He shook his head, then directed his attention back to the keikogi jacket.

Naoto was silent, but she glared at the blond man for a long moment. Then she stalked back to her place on the outskirts of the grass, her arms still crossed in front of her chest. Chie could swear she heard her grumble something beneath her breath but didn't want to press the petite detective any further; while usually cool and collected, Naoto did have a formidable vicious streak.

“I think you made her mad,” Yousuke muttered with a snicker.

Kanji sniffed. “Ah, she's just....” He shot a quick look to Chie, then forced a smile. “Forget about it, dude. You're gonna be great.” He stood up and clapped Yousuke on the shoulder. “And in this Tatsumi Special, you're a made man.”

Yousuke chuckled. “Thanks.”

Kanji stepped back, nodding. “Better get back to it, though. She's mean when she's pissed.”

Chie smiled, but she couldn't shake the strange look in Kanji's eyes. Nevertheless, she and Yousuke took their stances again, and waited for Naoto's signal to start.

“Hajime,” Naoto said again, her voice low and taut.

Yousuke's gaze darted across Chie's form, and then he snapped forward, sliding out with one foot as he punched with one hand and brought his opposite knee up at the same time. Chie blocked, kicking away his attacking leg, but his other hand reached out and took her by the shoulder, spinning her about like a partner in a frantic dance. He locked his arm around her, but she dropped her center of gravity, kicking her leg behind her in a high sweep that hit him in the back of the head. His grip loosened enough for her to grab his arm with both hands and flip him over her back to the ground. She punched him squarely in the middle of his chest, and Naoto called them to stop.

Chie extended a hand to Yousuke, who stood up with a sharp, “Dammit!”

Naoto crossed to them again. “Are you deliberately holding back?” she asked Yousuke pointedly.

“No!” he told her. “I just...got a little dazed, that's all.”

“You cannot become 'dazed' on Sunday...!” Naoto scolded.

“She kicked me in the head!” Yousuke said defensively. “How is that not supposed to daze me?”

Chie broke in between the two of them. “Guys! It's okay – it's just one fall.” She glanced from Yousuke to Naoto and back again, then sighed softly. “Look, we're all a little off this morning. Maybe we should just come back to this tonight.”

Naoto's jaw was set, but she nodded. “Fine,” she muttered.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Yousuke agreed, rubbing at the back of his head. He started to undo the ties of the keikogi, as Kanji approached them, now, too.

The blond man accepted the jacket, nodding. “Hey, you guys wanna get lunch in town today? I should be done with all the alterations by then.”

Chie smiled. “Yeah, I could do that.”

But Yousuke shook his head. “I doubt it. I wanna get as much done in the office today as I can – leave tomorrow open.” He looked down at the keikogi pants. “Uh, can I change out of these at your shop?”

Kanji nodded. “Yeah, come on.” He jerked his head in the direction of the street, leading the way.

Yousuke followed, pausing to bow to Kazunori, who had sat through the entire session, merely watching. “Thanks for coming, sensei,” he said with a halting smile. “It's nice to know there's at least one other Satonaka who doesn't totally despise me.”

Chie frowned, but her grandfather offered Yousuke a chuckle as he stood up. “Suitors throughout the ages have had issues with the fathers of their beloveds,” he said. “You should count yourself among a fabled fraternity.”

Yousuke snickered. “Thanks,” he muttered. “I guess.” Then he bowed again, swiftly, before following Kanji out to the street.

Chie watched him go, then turned to her grandfather. She smiled hopefully. “He's better, right? I mean, he can win this.” She swallowed, hard. “Right?”

Kazunori made no move. “He has made significant progress,” he said with a smile. Then he inclined his head to Naoto, as she walked up to them. “Due in no small part to the support of your friends, I should think.”

Naoto hummed. “I would feel better for our chances if we had more time....”

Kazunori sighed. “Time is the most precious of our possessions, but it exists for each of us in sadly limited quantities.”

Chie felt her spirits sink. “That doesn't really answer my question.”

Her grandfather gave a gentle shrug. “If he does his best, he will succeed. Nothing can take that away from him. Or from you.” He rose up, sighing again, albeit softly. “Does that answer your question?”

Chie looked away, muttering, “It's not really the answer I wanted to hear.” Then she turned back to the two of them, coaxing a not-very-convincing smile to her lips. “Thanks anyway, though.”

Naoto blinked her eyes. “I apologize, Chie-san. I fear that my...overzealousness with Hanamura-san's training has blinded me to the true purpose of these activities. I will have to rethink our strategies for this challenge.”

A much more natural, comradely smile came to Chie's lips. “Naoto-chan, really – you've done so much already. I can't ask you to-”

But the petite detective shook her head. “At his current level of proficiency, Hanamura-san will not be able to defeat a master such as your father. We should consider alternative avenues....”

A sudden wave of near-crushing emotion hit Chie, like a kick to the stomach, at Naoto's cool, concise articulation of her fears for Yousuke and his abilities. But she reined in the tears that threatened to erupt, tempering them with a low, disheartened sigh.

“I know,” Chie whispered, dropping her gaze to the ground. “I know our chances aren't good. But I can't just give up-!” She looked up at Naoto, almost pleading; if the detective were still in the habit of wearing her cap, Chie would have looked to her to pull a magical miracle from between its threads. “I know there's only two days left. And I know that if Yousuke-chan has a hard time beating me, then my dad's gonna be next to impossible.” She clenched her fists, then, and squared her jaw. “But we've come so far-! I can't give up on him now. I won't.”

Her grandfather touched her shoulder, smiling softly. “Mushi,” he whispered. “No one is telling you to give up. Two days may not be much time in the grand design of the universe...but worlds can change in an instant.”

Chie sucked in a breath, sharing a knowing glance with Naoto, as she recalled the final battle in Mayonaka, when Souji and the rest of them had faced the goddess Izanami-no-Okami. The fate of that battle – and, indeed, two worlds – had changed in a single powerful moment of decision made by one young man. Even the lesser paths of their lives had been altered by actions and words, sometimes simple, sometimes grand: an accidental step through a TV; an acceptance of a yellow-eyed doppleganger; a kiss beneath lamplight between friends seeking more; a foolhardy challenge from daughter to father. All of these were moments where her life had changed, mere seconds when her destiny could have gone one way or the other, for better or worse. And how many seconds were there in a minute, or an hour, or a day? Enough to change the presumed course of her fate, or Yousuke's, or the fate that they could share together.

Kazunori smiled gently, seemingly oblivious to how literal his words were in their truth. “Be strong for your Yousuke-chan. He needs that now, more than ever.”

Naoto nodded, too, now. “A strong woman is a man's greatest inspiration,” she muttered. Then her eyes and mouth softened, a strange look for her usually-cool countenance; Chie thought this must be the face that she only let Kanji see, or Rise. “I did not mean to belittle our efforts. We are stronger together, after all.” She paused, and laid a comforting hand upon Chie's. “And we have always been blessed with Fortune,” she said with a smile.

Kazunori chuckled. “Your friend,” and he inclined his head to Naoto again, “is a formidable combination of logic and insight. You would do well not to dismiss her judgment.”

Naoto's smile remained intact as she turned to the elder. “Thank you, Satonaka-sama.” Then she returned her gaze to Chie, her smile now tinged with a serious resolve. “I will work on revising our strategy, Chie-san. As you know, I do not admit defeat easily. Nor, do I think, should you.”

Chie nodded to her. “Never say die,” she murmured.

“Now that,” her grandfather said with another chuckle, “is the granddaughter who has made this family proud.”

Chie giggled. “I come from strong stock,” she said, and gave him a brief hug.

“Ah, ah,” Kazunori grumbled in mock-protest.

Naoto's lips curled in an expression resembling a smirk, and then she gave a crisp bow. “I'm afraid I must be on my way. We shall return here this evening?”

Chie nodded. “After dinner, like usual.”

Naoto returned the nod. “Then I shall see you then.” And she turned, walking at her usual brisk pace toward the torii gate and the street beyond.

Chie watched Naoto as she went, passing Yousuke on his way back in, and she gave him a little wave. “Another costume change?” she teased as he approached, once more in his regular clothes.

Yousuke rolled his eyes. “Shirogane must be rubbing off on Tatsumi. I've never seen him so bossy before. 'Shoulders down, stand straight, no moving.' Sheesh.”

Chie hooked her arm through his. “Well, I think you look good in your uniform. Right, Ojii-chan? Doesn't he look handsome in his dogi?”

Kazunori must have caught some look from Yousuke, because he only chuckled and bowed to excuse himself. “I believe that is my cue to leave, as well.” He offered both of them a warm smile. “You should be very proud of the progress you have accomplished together.”

Yousuke returned a low bow. “Thank you, Satonaka-sensei.”

Kazunori spared them one more quiet look, then nodded and headed on his way.

As soon as they were alone, Chie took the moment to rise up on her toes and kiss Yousuke briefly on the lips.

“What was that for?” he asked.

She settled back on her heels and smiled at him. “Just...for being you,” she murmured, reaching up to brush her fingers along his cheek.

He settled his hands on her waist and snickered. “Oh. Well, in that case....” And he dipped his head toward hers, laying a gentle kiss on her lips, now. He pulled back for a second, then tilted his head to the other side and repeated the action with a second kiss. “That...is for just being you.”

She giggled, leaning her head against his chest to listen to the delightful pattering laughter from within, and took the moment as it was: just another second in another day.

The second part - Kanji's original conversation with Chie - will be posted shortly.

Dropped Fight

Here's a chunk of a fight scene that I just cut from the most recently-posted chapter (46: Bushi no Kokoro). After some quasi-negative feedback on my fight scenes, I went through and pulled out some of the skirmish details, as well as the following....

“Switch it up!” Yousuke shouted, his card shimmering into existence in front of him. “Shirogane-!”

But Naoto didn't need any prompting from him; her card was already spinning in front of her, and she used the shot from her pistol to disintegrate it, calling, “Persona!”

Immediately, Yamatotakeru streaked toward the four Shadows, his tiny form and shining sword creating a glowing glyph in the air above their heads. The Persona straightened up on his wings, and then a rain of almighty flame came crashing down upon the Shadows, blinding all of them in the hall for a brief moment.

When Chie opened her eyes again, she saw the Shadows slightly wilted but still standing...and definitely pissed off.

Naoto snarled. “Ugh! Quite tenacious...!” She closed her eyes, to call forth her card once again.

One of the Basalts scraped along the floor of the hall, tearing up disintegrating carpet as it moved to close on the detective, while the Arch Knight reared on its legless steed, its jousting javelin flashing brightly.

“He's getting ready to charge!” Chie warned, even as her card started to appear before her.

“Naoto-chan!” Kanji shouted, tackling her to the side as the Basalt hopped and then smashed into the ground where Naoto had been.

“Persona!” Yousuke cried, shattering his own card with the blade of his dagger. Susano'o whirled into existence above him, but instead of turning to the three Shadows, the Persona's head of billowing red hair turned to his human protege and the others, and he seethed his long limbs, bright red fists clenched at his sides as he cast his chosen spell.

Chie felt a gust of power rush through her body, tingling her muscles just as the Arch Knight charged for her. And like having the wind at her back speeding her on her way, she cartwheeled out of the way of the Shadow's attack with a new sense of ease. She landed on her feet, not even bothering to pause as she kicked at her card. “Persona!”

This was one of the few real fight sequences that could have been taken out without interrupting the flow or purpose of the dungeon crawl through Mayonaka too much. But I didn't want to lose it completely, so I decided to post it here for posterity. Hope you enjoy...but if you don't, well, tough. ;)