Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Mature "dump"

Sometimes, an opening scene - no matter how much fun it may be to write - just doesn't lead properly into the moments that follow it. This is an example of such a scene. It's the original opening to Chapter 54 ("In the Shadow of Destiny"), just before Chie and Yousuke hear the important commotion in their living room. I've whited-out the text because of the somewhat mature nature of the moment.
It was the cold, steady rain that had sent Chie and Yousuke to bed early, chilled from exposure after the walk home from Aiya in town, and then lulled by the staccato but soothing rhythm of raindrops against the awning of their tiny outdoor patio, where they'd carelessly left some socks and underwear on the spinner rack before heading out to dinner (“Whoops,” had been Chie's embarrassed and giggling reply when they'd come home to find the dripping consequences of their error). But hot baths and warm blankets had taken precedence over the earlier mistakes of the night, and as soon as they'd closed Kuma's door, they took to their own bed, their skin flushed and warm and soft, a delightful contrast to how they'd felt earlier in the evening. Every once in a while, a rush of wind would spatter a flurry of rain against the glass of the apartment's tall windows – like a sneeze from the divine – but that didn't distract any of Yousuke's attentions from Chie, nor any of Chie's delight in having Yousuke administer to her with his tender, solicitous affections beneath the blankets.

There were fleeting temptations to be wild – as Chie sometimes was when she wrapped him in studded leather and satin ties, goading his desire with tickling teasings – or to be wicked – as Yousuke sometimes was when he pinned her to the bed and growled in her ear playful threats to her honor, like a clandestine lover stolen into his princess' bedroom to claim her maidenhood under cover of night and storm – but the two of them had almost seemed to silently agree when they first took to bed that tonight would be better spent amidst the simpler and sweeter intimacies of skin-to-skin and lips-to-lips. So that was all they did for a long while: just kissed and cuddled and rolled together in the bed, ignoring all of the sights and sounds around them – from the ceaseless ticking of the clock to the incandescent glow of the streetlamps outside the half-shaded bedroom windows – in favor of each other.

After a time, though, the cool and chaste joys of their closeness became heated and lusty, and not long after they started a round of more intimate kisses and touches, Chie was clutching and biting at one corner of the blanket, as she moved her hips against his wonderful and thirsty mouth.

He'd started simply, with his fingers massaging the small of her back, not even speaking but rather just humming with a kind of deeply affectionate attention, as if mesmerized by her body. But when she'd sighed and rolled up her hips and butt in appreciation, he'd taken it as an invitation (which, she would realize on later reflection, it probably had been), sliding down to a crouch between her legs in a most enjoyable breathy offering of regard. He hadn't bothered to make her naked in any way – just pulled her panties to one side with one hooked finger – before starting with a new round of kisses, designed solely for a delight of intensities. So she had let him have his way, propping her up by the hips to his face, to give delving tribute to her sex.

Now, he squeezed her hips, lapping and nuzzling with a captivated little groan, while she forced herself to be quiet but reactive, because she knew that that would excite him, too. They climbed the ladder of pleasure together, trading rungs along the way to make the other swoon. She reached the top first, though, as she always did when he took advantage of her so completely, giving a muffled wail around the heavy, puffy cloth stuffed into her mouth. He held her tightly, humming into her as he moved his tongue over her sensitive skin like silk, slowing his study of her only after he'd licked her quite clean and despite her dying whimpers.

Chie pulled the blanket from her mouth, spitting fuzzy cotton fluff from between her lips as she crawled away from him with her arms, everything below her waist feeling weak and useless. “Nuh-no more,” she muttered, forcing one arm beneath her chest, to push herself over onto her back. And she gave a long sigh as he crept up to her, perching himself above her on his hands with a grin.

He lowered his head, pressing his warm and wet mouth to hers, his still-energetic tongue darting between her lips to share the sour-sweet taste of her while it lasted. Then he chuckled as he pulled away, murmuring, “You sure? I was just getting started...!”

But she shook her head, sucking at her own lips. “I don't think I can take anymore,” she said, sucking in a breath as he shifted his weight to lay one hand between them, his fingers resting on the damp cloth of her panties.

Yousuke cooed with a lascivious sneer. “Oh. Your mouth says no, but your pu-”

“Stop,” she said, putting her own hand over his mouth before he could say anything more. Rather than taking offense, though, he just chuckled again and licked at the web of skin between her fingers, making her giggle. So she ran her fingertips over the lower part of his face, following the curve of his grin and the lines of his features – still glistening in the rain-broken light from beyond the window – with loving care.

“Thank you, though,” she whispered, pausing her perusal over his lips again. She looked up at him with a smile. “I liked that.”

His grin softened to a gentle smile. “I liked that, too,” he murmured, leaning down to kiss her again. Then he chuckled a third time, moving his hand from between her legs to her face, to stroke lightly at her cheek. “I always like that,” he told her, even though he didn't have to; she was by this time well aware of his peculiar proclivities. “I always like pleasing you.”

“Well, you do,” she said with a snicker, turning onto her side.

He followed suit, dropping down behind her and wrapping his arms about her, nuzzling at the hairs at her nape. “Think you can get to sleep, now?” he asked with a light kiss on her neck.

Chie giggled again, recalling her earlier lamentation about storms keeping her awake. She snuggled back against him, rubbing her hand over the arm curled around her torso. “I don't think that'll be a problem, with you here.”

His snickering breath down the back of her sleep shirt made her cringe as he whispered, “Well, I'm here to serve....”

She just sighed and closed her eyes, squeezing his grip tighter. Then she nestled into the blankets and his embrace again, content to be in his vigilant care.

Of course, the moment didn't last. Before either of them had a chance to drift to sleep, they heard a sharp crash from the main room, that made both of them bolt upright in alarm.

“What was that?” Chie whispered, swallowing hard as she clutched the blanket to her chest.
I enjoyed painting the picture of this moment of intimacy - and the subtle foreshadowing of servitude - between the two of them, but it started the chapter off in a way that really hindered the flow of what occurs immediately after.

You'll also notice some repetition in the text. That happens a lot when I write the first draft. It's only later when I go through to edit that I'm more particular about words or phrases. But since this is a dump anyway, it doesn't much matter.